May 5, 2016

Child's Play


When you sell a product, always try to expand your user base. That's advertising talk for get more people to buy your stuff. So what I am doing is telling people that Meat Like Substance is also baby food. A stroke of brilliance. Good enough for mom, good enough for junior, I always say. I can hear the cash registers ringing.

May 4, 2016

Sex Sells


Putting beautiful women in ads is a sure fire winner. I've stooped to it many times in the past. So it makes sense to do it for my own product launch. I envision women across the country forming Women Of Substance clubs. The mommy blogs will have a great time writing about the wonders of Meat Like Substance. It's true people's breath will stink after eating this stuff. My job is to make sure there will be the false perception that people look gorgeous and sexy by being a user. You gotta love advertising.

May 3, 2016

The Ad Campaign


There is a reason ADWEEK magazine called me one of the great advertising geniuses of the 90's. This is the first ad for my product called, Meat Like Substance. I will create the illusion that this product is highly addictive. It must taste so good, you might eat it three meals a day. People will also think they are eating meat, which this is not. It is really made up of the scraps of vegetables people throw away, basically compost. The nice thing is that my product will contain no salt or sugars. Just brown garbage. That doesn't matter really because advertising will make people want to have it anyway. Plus they will feed it to their kids. I want to start them out young. So basically I have just given you a lesson in today's food industry. Oh and lastly there is one other trick I will use. I will charge a slightly higher price than my competitors. Folks love to think they are buying their family the primo product. Gets them every time.

May 2, 2016

I'm In Business


I have decided to get into the food business. This is the new design of my product which I am revealing here. It's called, Meat Like Substance. Notice the cool package, which is everything. Each year seventeen thousand new food products are launched. Thirty two billion dollars is spent annually to sell this junk. I am after all, a marketing professional. People are willing to buy anything. The cigarette industry was great at this. Decades ago a cigarette executive noticed that they were throwing out the sweepings left over on the factory floor after the butts were all made. He took this useless sawdust and packaged it up and called it, KOOL. I'm going to do something similar. Take compost, all the bad ends of fruit and veggies, the tips cut off artichokes and the stumps of lettuce, the rotten broccoli, cauliflower, etc. I'm going to cook that stuff up with some rotten wine, soy sauce and leftover pickle juice. I'll turn that into little cube shapes, floating in the leftover gravy. As long as it's brown, I'll be fine. Presto. Lastly I am going to trademark the term: ORGANICISH. This will put my product over the top. Look for my ad campaign to start soon.

Apr 28, 2016

Antlers


I have this thing about turning stuff into art. A compulsion, you could call it. Take these antlers I found for instance. First I spray painted the entire antler with flat black. Next I used car pinstriping tape to mask out the areas that I wanted to spray paint flat white. Not any east feat but I did it. Lastly I painted some of the tips in gold. It looks cool in my museum.

Apr 25, 2016

Prince


About 20 years ago I was strolling down St. Marks Place in Manhattan. It was early in the morning and no one was around. There used to be a crazy clothing store called Trash and Vaudville. It was where the transvestites and strippers bought their outfits. I saw they were open so I went in to stir my creativity and stare at 12 inch stilettos. The person who ran the place was an older white woman with dreadlocks. It was just me and her. After a few minutes, the door opened and in walked Prince. He was tiny and wildly dressed. I whispered to the nutty woman, "I can't believe it's you, me and Prince." She had no clue what I was talking about. In came a bodyguard who followed behind. Prince never spoke. He would point to certain jackets on the walls without ever looking at the guard. The guard came and got the woman and told her to take those items down while Prince stood next to me. She bagged it up and the guard paid. The door opened and two twenty something girls walked in. They saw him and squealed which sent Prince out the door. As I exited I saw there was a stretch limo out front. Later in the day I read that he was playing Madison Square Garden that night.

Apr 18, 2016

First Cut Is The Deepest


Convenience. That is a bad word when it comes to food. It usually translates into processed foods. Just because I'm vegan doesn't mean that the food industry isn't trying to sell me awful stuff to eat too. A vegan can still be on a diet of crap. The food industry leaves no stone unturned when trying to make a buck. I'm not trying to replace meat eating with fake meats. Imitation turkey and pretend to be bacon are not on my grocery list. Food processors are like drug dealers. If you want to keep addicted to salt and sugar, they are willing to be your friend. I choose to eat actual food only much to their chagrin.

Apr 13, 2016

Where It Really Comes From


My friend has 2 boys around 10 and 12 years old. I asked him if they knew where their food comes from. He said NO. Being raised in Manhattan, there are no farms. Although they have seen corn grown in the Hamptons. To them, a chicken finger and a hot dog are no different than an Oreo cookie or a Pop Tart. At Cosco, they see aisles of shrink wrapped meat type things. At least when it comes to fish, sometimes they actually see a fish. I'm not blaming the kids, they are growing up in a time where the food industry has a lot of control. We've become desensitized. Food seems all the same, made in a food factory somewhere. It gets boxed, canned or jarred with cute packaging on it. If we really saw what was happening, that would not be good, probably because murder is involved. Better kept out of sight. The way it is set up now, Colonel Sanders and Jim Purdue help paint a rosy picture for us. It probably is a good idea to have all these television spokespeople keep us far away from reality. Growing up, I used to get my nutritional information from Elsie the Cow.

Apr 11, 2016

Shut Your Monkey


Having lived in Manhattan for over 30 years, I get to meet a lot of geniuses. Almost being one myself has compelled quite a few of them to befriend me. One in particular is Danny Gregory. He's recently written a brilliant book, just another in a long list of them. This particular one is called: "SHUT YOUR MONKEY." You can get it on Amazon. It's about that little voice in our head that always holds us back. Being an artist my whole life has made me very susceptible to self doubt. Those of us who are actors, musicians and painters have to deal with a lot of rejection. It goes with the territory. I was strong enough to make my way to Manhattan and become successful in the highest echelons of advertising but it wasn't easy. I was constantly telling myself I was a fraud and would soon be discovered and sent packing. There seemed to be a sea of people as talented or better than me. Danny's book is a guide to take control of your inner voice. He compares the voice to that of a chattering monkey, hence the title. I use a handgun to keep mine at bay. So if you want to close down that part of you that wants to avoid risk, then this book is for you. Also you don't have to be an artist to read it. His philosophy applies to all walks of life. Tomorrow I will post a photo of his book so you will know what it looks like when you're in a bookstore.